Why? The Crux Of All Questions.

Why?

Why did you do this to me? You were supposed to protect me. You were supposed to love me. What did I do to you that made you do what you did? You killed my innocence. You killed my soul. You killed my trust. You skewed my worldview for life. Did I really deserve that? Did I really deserve dying at such a young age? You literally killed me.

Why did you threaten me? I didn't know any better. I looked up to you, and you took advantage of that. You took away a part of me that I'll never be able to get back and I hate that. All I wanted to do was love you, and to have you love me. But you must have hated me to do what you've done.

Why?

Why did my mom have to take me to the doctor. Why was I bleeding? Why did I have to lie? Why did I have to feel that was the only way you would love me? The only way we could bond? I was so young. I didn't know any better. Why did this have to happen? You broke me. You broke my spirit. I tried my best to keep it, but I lost it.

Why?

Why did you steal my Christmas presents? Was it for your drug habits? Did I deserve that too? Why did you cause so much pain? Did you thrive on it? Why didn't I tell? Can you imagine how it felt getting something you've wanted all year long, only to have it taken away after a few days? The bike that you wanted to borrow to go to the store, only to have it 'stolen?' The C.B. radio? My video game console? Year after year? Was it to knock me down another notch? It worked.

Why?

Why did you let me see that girl...passed out in your room...naked? I was only 8. Why did you tell me to go in there and touch her? Didn't you know how frightened I was? Did you care? Why did you let me watch you sniff blow with your best friend...all in the same night? Were you trying to show me what I should be doing? I didn't know any better. Why all of a sudden when I went into the kitchen and grabbed something that looked like blow, you told me not to do it? I was just trying to be like you...after all, you allowed me to watch you do blow...so it must have been something I should've been doing right? Showing me the ropes and all.

Why?

Why growing up I was conflicted? Why did I block out all of those tragic memories? How did I do it? Why did you cause so much pain? So much so that I forgot about them for a long time? Why was I sexualizing friendships? Was it because you molested me from the time I was 6 till I was 9? It was a GOD send that you were kicked out of the house. But why did I feel sorry for you? Why did I have to watch mom leave food at the back door for you while you lived on top of the garage? Why did you cause so much pain to our family?

Why?

Why did I have to become depressed? I blocked those horrible memories for a long time. Why did the military bring them all back again? Why didn't I tell my parents what you'd done to me? Oh, that's right. You told me you'd kill me if I did...but you had already done so. You killed my childhood. Why after a while you made it so I thought I liked it? Was it because it was the only bonding we had ever done...if you want to call it that? was it because you stopped raping me? Was it because you made me give you head and it didn't hurt any more? Was it because you would give me a reach around? I was 8. Was that supposed to make it all better...make me feel good? You sure did trick me.

Why?

Why did I allow you to move in with me in Arizona? I was going to therapy on base for your abuse. Was it because I was trying to forgive you...give you another chance? All I wanted was a brother. But every time I looked at you, the past came flooding back. Is that why I started drinking so heavily? Why after I moved out of the apartment, and let you stay there to have a place to stay, you took advantage of it? Why did I get a call at my duty station telling me you were selling drugs out of it? Did you wanted me to get kicked out? Did you even care?

Why Bro?

Because of you I sexualized friendships...confusing bonding with sexual thoughts. Because of you I'll never know who I could have become. Because of you I'm jealous of others that have good relationships with their brothers. I'll never know how that feels like. You were supposed to show me the ropes, warn me of things and protect me. I'll never have that. You don't know how that feels. And you wonder why I don't call or visit. Why did you do this to me Bro? Why did I protect you for so long? Why after I finally told my parents of the abuse I still protected you? Mom and Dad were hurt. I never wanted to hurt them, but that's what happened after I told them. Dad wanted to confront you, but I asked him not to. Why did I do that? I guess it's because I still love and forgive you. You're still my brother after all...even though you don't feel like one.