Is It Ever Going To Change?

Hopes up high. Eagles were 4 point favorites over the Arizona Cardinals. Well, they lost. Had my new #36 Westbrook jersey on. Made a friendly $20 bet with an AF buddy that used to live in AZ. I wanted the Cardinals to win lass week. I like them. But the Eagles are my squad. I should have known we were going to lose. I don't usually bet, because when I do, I lose...except when I'm in Vegas or A.C. The Eagles always make it to the playoffs and lose. I'm frustrated, but I'll always be an Eagles fan.

A female friend called me tonight. She told me she was tired of living up here in Jersey and she's looking to move down to Georgia...Decatur to be exact. She's saved up enough money to pay for 6 months of bill while looking for a job. she's put in resumes at a few hospitals down there waiting for a few bites. I'm happy for her, and hopefully she can get her kids out of this place. Kinda reminds me of how i want to move back to AZ.

My realtor told me there is a couple that's interested in renting my house for 6 months. That'll be cool...I won't have to pay the mortgage out of pocket. That should give me some time to save up to try and do the same thing. I need a change. Trying to find a job'll be the hard part. That, and getting healthy by then to actually work again.

I've never been one to set goals for some reason. Maybe one of the reasons is when I do they never pan out. I remember when I was a teen, I used to say I don't want to have any kids until I'm 30. By then, I'll have a career. Well, GOD had his own plans. I had a career at 20 but had to leave because of my depression and alcohol abuse at 23. I would have had a 10 year old, but that didn't work out either.

I'm a prisoner of my own demise. My own perceived shortcomings. I could have went to college...all paid for by the air Force and GI Bill. But, I'm terrified of public speaking. Not because I'm scared of the people, but because I stutter sometimes. I hated reading in class because I would stammer over words that I knew how to pronounce, but I would get tongue tied. THAT is one of the most frustrating things I've had to deal with. lol It's sad really. Now, my 10 years of GI coverage will be up in August, unless Obama's administration changed the GI bill and benefits...ironically in August of this year. It would be awesome if they extend the GI Bill. If there's a way I could get a waiver for depression and health issues that'll allow me to take advantage of the GI bill, I'd go back to school for Psychology or sports medicine. Nothing like wasted talent.

I'm rambling in this blog with different ideas and problems, so forgive me for it. I need to change. I need to see if I can get my VA disability increased. I can't collect SSI because of being out of work for so long. I don't want to live on welfare, but if I deserve more disability then hell I want it. But for most, I want to be able to work. To go to college. To change my situation. Seems like every time I do, I get thrown a curve ball....most of the time health wise. Man, I picked the wrong time to stop smoking bud. lol

Is it ever going to change? How bad do I want it is the real question I guess. I want it, and I want it badly. Just gotta go out and do something about it. It would help if they could figure out what's going on with me and that it gets resolved. One of these days I'll have some good news to share with my friends and family. I love hearing their success stories, but I want in on it too! GOD help me!!!