I'm Tired

I don't even know if I should even write this. I'm tired. Someone has a hex on me and I'm tried of fighting. It seems every time I try and get my life together, I get thrown a curve ball. I know people have their ups and downs...I'm still waiting for my ups...they seem to stop coming 8 years ago. I don't even know where to start there's so much.

Maybe I deserve to be where I'm at in life. The karma effect. I'm trying to think of reasons to keep on going. Then, when i think that way, I feel guilty or lazy. I have friends and family that care and love me...so it wouldn't be fair to them. There are people out there that are in worse shape than I am,..albeit socially, mentally, financially, physically or whatever. Service members coming back from war maimed and scarred. Kids with cancers that they have no control over. It makes me feel guilty that I feel the way I do about myself and situation. I mean, I know I can't get everything I want.

I should have never moved from Arizona. I think that was the biggest mistake of my life. Things have been hell in a hand basket ever since. Living in the hell of America doesn't help any either. There are soooo many things that I missed out in life since I've been here. It's funny really. Ever cut school and wondered what you've missed? Remember that feeling? Imagine feeling like that for 8 years.

The pain. I don't know how much longer I can tolerate it. It's been a year with no end in sight. I got through having back pains, though it was hard to work with it. At least I knew what it was and how to control it for the most part. This shit I'm dealing with now is like a curse. Walking? Forget about it. Sitting down for a while? Forget about it. Sex? That's comical. Lifting a minimal amount of weight? Sad. When you're scared to take a piss because you think it's going to hurt? Worrisome. When you're scared to cum because you think it's going to cause pain afterwards? Depressing.

From 2005 through 2007, I dealt with back pain that was borderline debilitating, but I was able to overcome it and even while I was in pain, I was able to do most of the things I liked to do. Then, after I was able to overcome that obstacle, I started lifting weights. I started getting my energy back. My hope was returning and I was looking forward to living life to the fullest. I got my swagger back. Then, my buddy died...my lifesaver. That knocked me down a notch...or rather a bunch. I was recovering mentally from the limitations of my back pain, then Caesar died. I got really depressed and didn't want to do anything. Then we had to put our other dog to sleep 3 weeks later. She was 16, he was 10. A month later I rescued Roxie, and though still mourning the loss of Caesar, things were getting better with a new beginning.

I was excited. I got back into getting fit. I stopped smoking weed after Caesar's death, and walked and played with Roxie. i was looking forward to getting a job, living life again. Then, after my system was clean to look for work, this shit started. LOL. WTF? Doc told me I should be fine in a week or so. Thought it was a strain and an infection. Well, the week turned into a month, then a few months. then into my 32nd birthday. Then, a good friend of mine that grew up on the block was shot dead in a different part of town. That was the day after my birthday. I hated the fact that I couldn't be a paul-bearer for him. That knocked me down even more, a senseless death of a good friend. But that's the life of Camden. A city of just under 80,000 wound up having 52 murders in 2008.

I just knew I'd be better by the summer time, but that was wishful thinking. I couldn't even go to my parents house at the Delaware shore. I was stuck in the house. I wanted to be working by then, but GOD had other plans. I just wanted to be healthy. I just wanted to enjoy life, so I wouldn't lose any more time. With all these health problems piling up, with no clear diagnosis, treatment, cure, whatever, it's just taking a toll in my mental. I've tried to be optimistic, tried not to let it get me down, but I can't shake it off any more. This shit is crazy.

The things that's been keeping me going are my friends and my Roxie. Sometimes that doesn't help though either. I thrive on hearing from my friends and all of their successes...the things they've done....their children...their lives. I love the fact that they are doing so well...with maybe a few setbacks here and there. But then I do what people should never do....compare lives. Then I look at my life and think just kill me now. Then I feel guilty again for starting to feel envious or even jealous of their lives and accomplishments. I love that everything is going so well for most of them, I thrive on it and it keeps me sane. But it's also a double edged sword. It makes me think of my life...most of the time I feel good for them...other times I feel like shit about my own situation. A quagmire to say the least. And the bad thing about it is I can't change my situation now, though I want to sooo bad. When I want to make that change, take that first step, BAM!!! Stuck in a rut. I feel bad for Roxie because I can't walk her...I can't play with her like I'd like to. I can't even get on all fours on the floor with her because it hurts. I can't play tug of war with her because it hurts. And she's suffering from it.

It's funny. I've tried to commit suicide for lesser things. I remember a good friend was having a get together over his house and I think I spilled something on his carpet in his new home. Understandably, he got upset and gave me a short ear full. Drunk, i got in my car and drove to Loop 303 in AZ and drove south....doing 120 with the lights out at night. I didn't care. I wanted someone to come from a side street and hit me. I wanted to die. When that didn't work, I went to my house , got into bed, grabbed my .380 and put it to my head. My girl came over and I tried to put the gun away before she saw it. She sensed something was wrong and called my friends that were at the house I just left. They all came over and asked if I was alright and i told them yeah. They stayed for a little bit, then they all left. I grabbed the gun from under my pillow, took the safety off, and put it into my mouth. Caesar got on the bed and put his head on my chest and just looked at me. He knew this feeling, because he did the same thing when I was living in my apartment as I held the gun up to my temple. That was the 1st time I wanted to kill myself. That time, it was because my brother was living with me and the good friend, and the past abuse came back into my mind. Both times, I think, it also because of Paxil. Later I found out teens and young adult were committing suicide while taking the drug.

I was supposed to have a family by now. Did you know I would've had a 9 year old child? Tubular pregnancy. I guess GOD thought I wasn't ready, or worthy enough. Maybe it was a good thing I didn't marry that girl. Maybe I would have pulled a sort of 'McGreevey' since I'm bi. Maybe I won't ever have children, though I'd like to have them.

I just feel defeated and hopeless. I don't know what to do. I still have my house in AZ...still paying the mortgage on a empty house. I want to move back there as I think it's the change I need. Arizona felt more like home than Jersey does. I could live my life the way I wanted to out there, and do more things like camping, hiking, go to Mexico, Vegas or San Diego. My friends had houses out there and sold them when the market was strong for a nice profit. I had renters there that trashed the place. I had to put over $8,000 getting the place ready for the market. Then it tanked, and it was on the market for over 2 years. Now I'm trying to rent it, but I don't want tenants with pets. No good prospects yet. Maybe it's a sign for me to go back out there. Just had the backyard rocked and it looks good from the pics I just got this week from the realtor that's been working for me. But, I can't work. And my disability from the VA won't cover expenses. If I could work, thing would be different...but then, the economy tanks too. I can't catch a break to save my life. Thank GOD I thrive on the successes of other to maintain my sanity...which in turn reminds me of what I'm missing. The irony. WTF?

Then to top it all off, a friend that used to call has been incognito for a few months. He was my escape from this reality I'm being dealt with. We would talk for hours about different things from sexuality, his job and drama with his roommate. I know he's still alive, but for some reason he won't connect with me anymore and I miss him a whole lot. He's one of B's friends that knows the true M.W.. The only one I could talk to about things...just shooting the shit for hours at a time. Everybody has a life, and I'm not the center of the universe I know.

I'm just tired and out of options. I don't own a gun anymore. All I want to do is for this to all end. I can't take this shit any more. I've tried, I've been through a lot over the years. I'm only 32 and shouldn't be going through these health issues. I could see if I was 50, 60, 70, not fuckin' 32!!! If I could end it all I would. but I can't even do that. So I'm fucked for a little while longer...and that's being optimistic. I wonder if some are secretly happy I'm in 'the suc?' I hope and pray that my friends and family continue to have fulfilling, successful lives...I really do. I just wanna lay in bed for a few days.